CONDITIONAL LOVE

CONDITIONAL LOVE

As an adult, a child raised with what is called “conditional love, becomes oversensitive to the opinions of others. In its extreme form, he cannot do anything if there is the slightest chance that someone else may not approve. He projects his childhood relationship with his parents onto the important people in his adult life spouse, boss, relatives, friends, authority figures and tries desperately to earn their approval, or at least not lose it.

 The fears of failure and rejection, caused by destructive criticism in early childhood, are the root causes of most of our unhappiness and anxiety as adults. We feel, “I can’t!” or “I have to!” continually. The worst feeling is when we feel, “I can’t, but I have to!” or “I have to, but I can’t!” We want to do something, but we are afraid of failure or loss, or if we are not afraid of loss, we are afraid of disapproval.

We want to do something to improve our lives, at work or at home, but we are afraid that we may fail, or that someone else may criticize us, or both. For most people, their fears govern their lives. Everything they do is organized around avoiding failure or criticism. They think continually about playing it safe, rather than striving for their goals. They seek security rather than opportunity.

BY

PETER FELISTER